Not every hoochie wanna smell like the fish market, but sometimes you still crave that creamy, tangy tuna salad vibe. That’s where chickpea tuna comes in
vegan, plant-based, and coochie-approved. It’s cheap, quick, and won’t have you burping up tuna funk all day.
🥒 Ingredients
- 1 can chickpeas (aka garbanzo beans — but who tf calls them that?)
- 2–3 tbsp vegan mayo (or avocado if you wanna act holistic)
- 1 tbsp mustard (yellow, Dijon, whatever’s in the fridge)
- 2 tbsp pickle relish or chopped pickles (hoochie crunch)
- ¼ cup diced onion (red for spice, white for petty)
- ¼ cup diced celery (optional, but it make it sound healthy)
- Juice of ½ lemon (for that tangy “fresh coochie” energy)
- Seasonings: garlic powder, onion powder, paprika, salt, black pepper, Old Bay if you fancy
🥄 Directions
- Rinse and drain your chickpeas — we don’t need the booty-bubble bean water.
- Mash with a fork or food processor (don’t overdo it; we not making hummus).
- Stir in mayo, mustard, pickles juice or relish, onion, celery, lemon, and seasonings. Taste it
- Serve on toast, crackers, lettuce wraps, or straight out the bowl
- Fiber keeps your gut clean and your stomach flat-flat.
- Plant protein feeds your booty without whey farts.
- Minerals & omegas = balanced mood, balanced pH, balanced hoochie.
- Cheap AF — save your coins for shea butter, tequila, or the light bill.